Invisible Pressure

Do you ever put so much pressure on yourself? Especially, when you’re alone.

You have some expectation of yourself and if you’re not doing it properly, you feel, judged.

What I would like to know is, by who? Nobody else is in the room with you.

It’s just you.

The realization of me judging myself to such a high degree is actually hard to unlearn quickly. I have to remind myself that there is no outside pressure here, it’s just me.

It’s weird, but I think ever since watching the Truman Show, I often have it in the back of my head, like WHAT IF?

What if I am being filmed by secret cameras? What if there are some actors playing two characters in my life, cos there’s some repetition in my matrix some days, and it cannot just be a coincidence! I swear I saw that face before. What will they think if they saw me do this, or say that? Come on. Delulu right?

These are the thoughts.

The invisible pressure I put on, and when I’m alone wanting to do a complete rest on a day off, I can hear- “ok you should get up now, don’t lie around for too long, you wasted your day cos you didn’t do something, watch that movie it’s good, no don’t, that’s wasting time, did you read 10 pages, did you edit that video,” etc.

It can be unnecessarily loud. Procrastination mixed with invisible pressure from absolutely no one, but ME.

I just had 5 days of doing things, actually 8 since the last rest day. Do I remember how much I have accomplished in the last few days? Not as often as I should, as we should.

It doesn’t matter, it’s okay to relax, and if relaxing means lying in bed all day to REST, do it!

I also pressure myself on thoughts of, you didn’t exercise or do yoga today. It’s been a day or 2 but one day of not “doing” something feels like it’s been much longer due to the negative judgement I have of myself.

I hope to God I can quieten this voice down the most.

This voice never used to be loud. I don’t recall it ever having this much power.

But the last few years have been noisy in there. Some things shut down, that have restarted again and now it’s some sort of fight for power at times instead of consistent harmony together towards the same goal.

As it should be, the same goal.

You have to also clarify which voice is present, if it’s coming to call you out on something valid, like getting you up to action, because you have left things for too long and need to work, that’s different. This is a logical voice most times and should be adhered to.

Let’s not confuse this voice with the invisible pressure one, the one that gives you guilt, shame and anxiety.

We must remember, All the voices belong to the same driver or soul and should all be on the same page.

This is a daily choice all the voices need to make each morning is what I have learned, and you’d think this was easy, but it takes consistent practice, belief and choice.

Hence why on some days, certain voices can speak louder and take a joy ride, and I question these thoughts so much on how much it can change our self-confidence, and worth.

When did it start? Why was it given so much room to take control?

Do you understand the damage it’s doing to yourself?

Nobody is there with you to judge you, just you.

Why are you your worst critique? Who are you trying to compete with here?

Is there some sort of race going on with how much you manage to get done every day?

Who exactly are we racing against?

Maybe my sub-conscious gets worried that signs of not doing anything before, was when I was not in a good space of mind, or depressed or just on autopilot so it confuses these important days of rest, with these unhealed traits.

It could very well be, I’m out here figuring it out like the rest of us. The writing helps. 🙂

I’m sure so many of you go through this invisible pressure too and I’d love to hear about your experiences and how you manage it.

Meditation has helped me a lot, writing down my thoughts and allowing it to flow out of me without a control button, and actively talking to myself. Calming myself and assuring myself that everything is okay, it’s okay to rest, you choose to rest, it’s good for you. Breathing (very underrated).

I learned from others who taught me, that reflecting on all that I have accomplished and done in each day or in the week helps to put things into perspective. It helps to calm me and know that the choice I am making for myself to rest and not do anything, is warranted. It’s healthy.

It’s part of the work-life balance we all talk about. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Lay in bed, do some stretching, breathe in and out with purpose, sleep.

REST.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. 🙂 Subscribe to my madness and get an email each time I post.